Standing Still.

I sit as if I am in slow motion.

As if I have no motivation in the world.

As if the whole universe is busily moving around me and it doesn't affect me.

I'm thinking so much that it honestly feels like my mind is blank.

I'm holding so much in that I don't feel anything at all.

I'm blurring my vision.

I'm slowly not hearing things.

I'm gradually doing less and less.

But I have done a lot today.. Yes?

Who knows.

I've lost track. 

My days blur together.

I feel like everything happens at the same time.

I feel like I never sleep.

That I'd rather get on the computer than face reality.

I find myself thinking I've already done something.. but then realizing that I haven't, and that its  not supposed to be done for another few days.

I feel lost and distant.

Confused. 

Still.

Mislead.

Unhappy.

Purposeless.

I get like this sometimes. I let the negative get the best of me.

I really don't feel like this.

I constantly feel gratitude for my family and friends.

I am grateful that I have the opportunity to go to school, to dance, and play piano.

I am positive.

I am upright and always moving.

Striving to do something better today than I did yesterday.

Hoping to put others in front of myself.

Wishing to have time to serve those in need.

Wanting to succeed in at least one thing that I do.

Thinking about the future.. I don't even care anymore.

Whatever happens is supposed to happen.

Let it be.

Come what may cause surely it will come anyways.

Have hope and know who you are.

Cause life is hard.

Life isn't easy. 

But will giving up make it any easier? 

NO. probably not.

It will probably just push me back into a place that I don't want to be.

Get me away from this feeling of hopelessness.

I will not drag myself down or hold myself back any longer.

I will not critique myself because I don't have the right.

Lets face it.. No one really knows exactly who they are.

and you shouldn't judge unless you truly know someone.

We don't have the right to tear ourselves down.

We didn't make us.

He did.

Just like a mother hurts when her baby gets teased at school.

He feels what we feel.

He knows who we are.

He knows when we cry.

When we hurt.

When we are down on our knees and just can't take it anymore.

He knows us.

He knows our strengths and weaknesses more than we do.

He knows that we will be built up as we go throughout life.

He knows that we have endless potential.

He knows what we will be.

He has faith that we can make it.

New goal... Have faith in myself. Have faith that I can make it.

Not just that I can make it, but that he can and will help me make it.

Example of the Believers.

Do you realize that people are watching you?

Do you realize that someone is either thinking...

"Wow, I want to be just like them." 

or "Oh, I totally learned from there mistakes."

There not judging you. But just watching.

Seeing what you do and how you act.

Seeing if you'll represent and stand up for what you believe in.

People are always trying to figure out who they really are.

They also do this to others.

I love to watch people.

I love to watch people serve.

I love seeing people happy and smiling.

I love it when I'm driving and seeing a young mother playing with her baby boy in the autumn leaves.

I love to see someone help someone in need.

I love it when people go out of there way for others.

This world is such a wonderful place. 

We have so many responsibilities and opportunities.

We have so much that we can do and accomplish.

Thats why we are here.

We are here to give.

To grow.

To learn.

To be happy.

I've been thinking about this quote constantly lately.

Responsibility of Latter-Day Saints

"We have laid upon us as a people a greater charge, a greater responsibility than any other people have ever had in the history of the world. We are responsible for the blessings of the gospel of Jesus Christ to all who have lived upon the earth, to all who now live upon the earth, and to all who will yet live upon the earth. No other people have had so great a responsibility as that. God bless the faithful Latter-day Saints who carry in their hearts the love and respect of the great doctrine of the eternity of the family, and the tremendous doctrine of vicarious work for the dead." -Gordon B. Hinckley

Simple stated. We have a responsibility to show who we stand for.

To let others know that we know Christ.

That we know who we are and that we are proud of who we are.

We have so much to give.

So much work to do.

We are children of a Heavenly Father.

SHOW IT.

love it.

and most importantly, LIVE it.

"Let others know him, because they know you."

Have that light in your eyes.

That burning testimony in your hearts.

That sweet feeling of the spirit surrounding you at all times.

To those of you that do.

Thank you.

You bring happiness to my life constantly.

I hope you realize that no matter who you are.

No matter what you do.

No matter what your circumstances are.

No matter how many mistakes you have made.

You are always loved.

Everyone makes mistakes.

Your supposed to.

Opposition in all things right?

Keep on going. 

Life is hard, but thats the only way to find happiness.

Love, Madeliene Louise

striving to live my life like this..

One day your dreams will become mine, My dreams will become yours, and together our dreams will become reality.

One day. In the far away future.

After I have served a mission.

After I have learned exactly who I am.

Once I've lived my life and studied abroad.

Once I've finished growing as an individual..

I hope for what every other girl hopes for.

Yep, marriage.

The perfect guy. 

 Not perfect, but perfect for me.

I hope to have a darling family.

To raise my children and to love them.

I need that guy who will hold me when all is wrong.

When my flashbacks from the past bring me down.

When the present isn't going just how we had planned.

I need someone to communicate with me.

Someone I feel comfortable talking with and telling them exactly how I feel.

I need that person that doesn't scare me. That looks at me and knows what I need.

I need loyalty and complete honesty. 

I want someone to truly love me.

So I can love them back.

I need to be cared for. and I need to care for him,

I need a healthy relationship where things get resolved when they go wrong.

I need that guy that makes me laugh.

Who puts a smile on my face.

Who I am completely myself around.

Who takes me on crazy adventures.

I want someone to roll down hills with me.

to look at the stars with me.

to go on midnight walks with me.

to kiss me in the rain.

I'm your typical girl.

But most of all.

I want that guy with the burning testimony.

a return missionary.

someone who knows the church is true.

someone to hold my hand in church.

to bare his testimony to me when I need it.

to give me a priesthood blessing.

to discuss topics of the gospel.

to pray together.

study the scriptures together.

to go to the temple together.
to learn and grow with.

I hope wish and pray that I live my life in a way that I can find this person who makes me truly happy.

Someone I can love.

and be in love with.

Someone that completes me.

makes me a better person.

lifts me up.

pushes me to do what is right.

One day, when the time is right, I'll find him.
For now, I'm happy being me.
Taking life as it comes.
Dealing with the trials.
Praying for help when they come.
Loving every second I have.
and being grateful for all my blessings.

The gospel is true ladies and gentleman.
Its the only thing that keeps me truly happy.
Living its principles brings true happiness. I promise you that.

Live. Laugh. Love.

Not Even Once.

First Time.
Every Time.
All the Time.
Always.
No Matter What.

Keep your head up.

Love, Madi Louise:)

Contemplating.

I sit here contemplating with myself about doing things that I am supposed to do.
I sit and weigh out the good and the bad options.
I sit here and think of what I should do.
But I don't do it.
I don't know why... But I have lost all motivation.
I feel like my mind doesn't stop thinking.
I feel empty and lost.
I feel broken and sad.
But... I'm happy.
I feel confused.
I feel like I fail at everything I try to do.
But thats not the problem.
I'm not even trying anymore.
Why don't I care?
Why can't my thoughts just slow down for one second?
Why am I constantly replaying everything in my head and thinking of what is going to come next?
Why can't I get a break?
Why can't I be the kind of person I want to be.
Why am I complaining?
I have no room to complain.
I hurt.
I don't show it. or I try not to.
But I guess I really do.

Why?

Why do I feel in adequate?

Why I am afraid to try?

Why do I back down?

Why don't I have confidence?

Why am I afraid to express myself?

Why am I afraid to face reality?

Why am I nervous to see you?

Why do I forgive you but don't at the same time?

Why am I holding back?

Why can't I show who I really am on the stage but I can in the halls?

Why do I sit here and wonder why?

Who do I have no solutions?





Someone fix me. 

Others. I'll Change. I'm Sorry.

I really don't think people understand how much others play a part in their life.

For the good, or the bad.

Everyone is always advised don't listen to what other people say, or who cares what they think. Yes, who cares what anyone thinks. 

We should all be ourselves and do things just because we want to.

But everyone has a part of them that wants compliments and recognition.

As humans, we want to please others. 

We want our parents to be proud of us.

We want our friends to like us.

We want to be liked.

Honestly, who wants to be disliked? 

Who wants to be gossiped about?

No one in particular..

Those suttle comments or things we hear from others can hurt us. 

They can tear us down. 

Sometimes people say things because they think it will be for our own good.

I agree, to a point.

I believe in constructive criticism.

I think people sometimes do need to hear things that they don't want to. 

I think others have good insight on ourselves personally and our lives that we might not be able to see at the moment.

I think we need to know those things.

But constructive criticism is not tearing others down.

Constructive criticism is not intentionally hurting peoples feelings or self esteem. 

The difference between being so called "mean" and good criticism is if you actually care about them, then what you say to them will come out to their benefit. 

Not to bring them down. 

Not to over compensate how you feel about your body, talents, feelings, life.

People have such an impact on others.

They have such a way of making someone happy or making thembreak down in tears.

We have an influence on others.

On their emotions, their feelings, their self esteem and confidence.

So, why hurt them?

I also think we as people don't want to hurt people.

But then again, we do.

We all do one way or another. 

Intentionally, unintentionally.

On accident, on purpose.

We hurt the people we care about.

We hurt people we love.

We hurt people we don't know 

or don't necessarily care for. 

Why do we do this? 

Because we are human.

We are kids. 

We are teenagers.

We are adults.

and we all make mistakes. 

Wether we mean to or not. 

We all do.

The important thing is how you deal with your mistakes.

Saying sorry and truly meaning it can change everything around.

Just that one simple word, can mean something huge to someone else.

sorry is truly feeling bad and telling that person you hurt what happened, and how bad you feel. Asking them to forgive you and promising them that if will never happen again.

Change is what makes the difference in a sorry.

Change is what shows if you really learned and if you can really be trusted, forgiven, and given a second chance again.

or maybe multiple times.

Forgiving yourself is key too.

People are easy to forgive and easy to forget.

We all want the same right? 

To be forgiven and to have a second chance. 

Live.Laugh.Love.
for one day you'll make it.


Love, Madeliene

Relatable.

You know when your so busy that you forget to eat?
You know when your so busy that all you want to do is eat?
You know that time when your so stressed out you can't do anything.
Your shaking because you have so much to do, but you don't know where to start.
You cry or don't cry but probably want to cry.
You waste your life away online because its better than facing reality.
You get your work done, but your making excuses.
The to do lists, the sticky notes, they keep piling up.
You catch yourself asking what day it is cause your thinking about all the stuff you have to do tomorrow, rather than what you have to do now. It feels like today is already over cause you've already thought about it so much yesterday.
It feels like this could go on forever.
It feels like you could never sleep. or never wake up.
You make one decision and regret it.

On the other hand..
You love life.
You love the time you get to spend with family, with friends, and to be at church.
You love the opportunity to bare your testimony, to go to the temple, to write a talk, or help someone.
You love dances, dancing, and the playing the piano.
You wish you could play all day long.
You wish you could loose yourself in the melody that somehow your hands can create.
You wish you could loose yourself in the feeling that dance creates for you. That you could express what you mean, with your body, all the time.
You wish people could look at you and understand you.
But most of all, you wish you could take one look at someone else and understand them.

I aspire to be the kind of person that others are for me.
I wish to inspire, like I am inspired daily.
I wish to serve a mission.
I wish to have a beautiful family one day. I wish to prepare for all of this now.
I wish to make decisions and to live with them happily.
I wish to look back with no regrets. For everything we do and choose has a purpose correct?

As I sit here overwhelmed with everything around me.
I realize that it is time to ground myself.
To push myself.
To focus myself.
To let myself feel what I feel.
If I want to do it, I'll do it.
If I don't, I won't.
If I want to try, I will.
If I want good grades, I'll get them.
If I want to make up for the lost years of piano and dancing, for lack of my own effort, I will.
I will not let what I didn't do, stop me from doing.
I will not criticize myself, or tear myself down.
I will live my life how I want to.
and I will succeed.
because I want to.

I sound like this girl who thinks she lives a hard life.
I don't. I have challenges like everyone else does.
But I am blessed because of them. Just like everyone else is.
I sound like some one who complains.
Maybe I do complain, but this is how I feel.
I feel happy. I feel sad. I feel different emotions.
I basically am the average teenage girl who can't understand herself.
but yet again, I do understand myself.

I'm off and on.
I'm either all there or completely away.
I'm either all for it or completely against it.
I'm a yes or a no, not a sure.

I'm just me and thats all I'll ever be.