I am not depression.

Depression.

Such an unexplainable, unimaginable, undefinable word.

I never thought that this would be one of my trials in life.

I was diagnosed in the middle of the summer and I remember trying to fight it for months before that. I did not want to have depression. I wanted it to be anything else other than that. I kept pushing it away and trying to deny it for as long as I could. I was lying to myself. I remember thinking, "Could I really be depressed? Is that what this feels like?" When it got to the point of where I couldn't handle it anymore, I decided to go and talk to my doctor. I told her that I was, for the first time in my life, lost, hopeless, and that I had no idea what to do with myself. I vividly remember saying, "I just don't want to feel like this anymore. This is not who I am."

And to this day, this IS NOT who I am. I am not depression. Depression does not define me. It is a trial. A mental illness. One of the hardest things I have ever dealt with.

I was scared and embarrassed to be depressed. Once I got diagnosed, I slowly came to terms with it. Even though I was embarrassed to tell my husband and my parents, I did. As the months have gone by, I've realized that I don't need to be embarrassed or ashamed. Like Elder Holland said, a mental illness is the same as having a physical illness. I realized, I would definitely go to a doctor for a broken bone, so why can't I go to the doctor for feeling depressed? I don't need to be ashamed to talk about this. There shouldn't be a hidden culture around this. This is real! This is life. 1 and 4 people have or will deal with depression. That's a lot of people who don't talk about it!

But, I understand why people don't. I didn't want to. It's hard.

At first I didn't want anyone to know that I had this "problem". I didn't want my husband to have to deal with a depressed wife. I didn't want him to think that I wasn't the girl he married a few months earlier anymore. I didn't want other people to know that I was so weak that I had to go to a doctor and turn to medication because I couldn't take care of myself anymore. This was me being self critical. These were many thinking errors on my part. I've learned that all those negative thoughts, aren't true at all. Would I ever think that way about anyone else who had depression, saw a doctor, or took medication? No. So why would I think that about me? Why did I have to be my biggest judge and critic?

I've asked many questions through out this whole process. I've gotten some answers and I've also had to be content with not having an answer for some of my questions. Just last week, I finally let one unanswerable question go to rest.

Why? Why did I get hit with depression in the first place? I was totally fine and then the next day I wasn't. Why and how does that happen? My therapist put me in my place as he said, "My relative was eating an avocado one day, and then the next day, she took a bite of the same avocado and had to be rushed to the ER. She literally developed an allergy to avocados over night. Do the doctors know why? No. But does she still have the allergy? Yes. Does she still have to take necessary actions to deal with this allergy? Yes. Sometimes we just won't be able to know why. We just need to focus on what we can/should do now given our current situation."

Everyday, it feels like a struggle just doing day to day things. Even something so small as brushing my teeth and taking a shower can sometimes seem like the biggest chore in the world. Sometimes I've caught myself laying down, wishing I'd just fall asleep so that time could pass. So that I didn't have to deal with reality and all the things on my to do list.

I get exhausted constantly trying to keep myself moving and motivated. Motivation isn't as free and easy as it used to be. It's almost like I have to work for it. It takes tremendous amounts of effort and sometimes I don't have enough of it to push through the day. Sometimes, depression wins. Sometimes, I don't let depression win just because as I'm about to surrender I tell myself, "You can't let it win again. You are stronger than that." That last cry for help usually works and will give me enough motivation to help me finish the day.

These past 4-5 weeks have been especially trying/draining because I've been physically sick. I feel like I'm fighting a physical, mental, and emotional battle all at the same time. It's exhausting and sometimes I get tired of trying.

I thought this morning, "When am I going to have some hope fall back into my life?" I felt as though only negative thoughts were present and that they had been weighing me down for a month straight. As I forced myself to get up off of the couch to do dishes tonight, this wonderful thought came into my mind. One I had been praying for. It said, "See, this isn't so hard! Your dreams and goals can be reached. It IS worth it." And that.. was exactly what I needed to keep me going for the next little while. I'm grateful for moments like that. A small flicker of hope was everything and more that I needed.

In conclusion, I don't judge myself or anyone else who has depression. I have been blessed with more empathy for people. I believe that that will serve it's purpose in the long run in one way or another. I know that my husband still loves me for who I am. I know that I am still a Daughter of God with unique gifts and talents just like all of God's children. I know that with Christ, all things are possible to overcome. Depression included. I know that I may never "overcome" or beat depression. It may stay with me for the remainder of my life. And if it does, I'll just keep fighting it day by day with My Savior's help and guidance.

Faith in Who?

Warning: This IS an LDS post. I am an active LDS loving and believing person who loves everyone no matter who they are or what they believe in. I'm only sharing my personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences. If you would like to read, please do. If not, don't. But no negative comments please. Thank you! :)

For some random reason, I thought about an email that I wrote home to my family on my mission today. I searched for it, found it, read it, and realized... I really needed to be reminded of this. I've been trying to rely on so many other things/people, other than My Savior Jesus Christ.

So, I decided to share this with those of you that also wanted to read.

December 2, 2015
This week, I had been thinking to myself, "If I got another chance to speak in sacrament meeting, I would talk about Faith in Christ." To my surprise, we got to church on Sunday and right as sacrament meeting was starting, the bishop asked to talk to me. He pulled me aside and asked me if I could give a talk in sacrament meeting and that I could choose my topic. I smiled and accepted thinking to myself, "Well I already know what my topic is." Yup, Faith in Christ. I quickly got my scriptures ready and prayed that God would be able to help me and that I could say what He wanted me to say.

So I started out my talk defining faith. We all know what faith is. But faith in who?

Faith in Christ.

"Faith is to hope for things which are not seen, but which are true, and must be centered in Christ."
-Bible Dictionary

I find it interesting that that it says centered IN Christ. It doesn't say.. faith in your neighbor, your friend, your bishop, your parents, a missionary, or an apostle. It says, Faith centered in Christ! Only in Him.

I shared what I had heard from Elder Bednar in the MTC. He talked about an experience that he had while he was serving his mission. He said that when he was an AP, his mission president asked him what he would think or do if one of the 12 apostles fell away from the church? Elder Bednar said that he didn't know how to respond to his mission president because he had never thought about that before. His mission president quickly said, "For me, it wouldn't matter. Because my faith isn't centered in an apostle of the Lord, my faith is centered in the Lord himself. It is centered in Jesus Christ." He said that he would be worried about what some of the members of the church would do and how it would affect the church, but as for him, it wouldn't sway him at all.

I loved this!! I shared how important it was to have our own testimonies and to have our faith only in Christ! Because with Christ, we can not fall. The thing is, Christ is the only perfect person. Everyone else in this life is just an imperfect person trying to make his/her way and one day be perfected through Christ. But as for right now, everyone except for Christ has the capability or capacity to fall. That's why we have to put everything in Christ's hands and let Him lift us.

We can't have our testimony built on someone else or something else. We can love the great examples that we have around us and be super grateful for the people who have helped, taught us, and given us direction along the way. But that's it!!!

Before my mission, I had one of the hardest trials that I have ever had. I had the opportunity to see if I had my own testimony or not. To see if my testimony was built in Christ, or in someone else. I realized that I had my own testimony and that I knew that this church was true because I knew. Because God had told me so and he keeps telling me so. I can't deny the spirit that I have felt and the miracles that I have witnessed.

I promise you all, that if I would of had my testimony built in someone else/something else, I wouldn't be on my mission right now. I wouldn't be a member of the church right now.

"Miracles do not proceed faith but strong faith is developed by obedience to the gospel of Jesus Christ. In other words, faith comes by righteousness although miracles often confirms ones faith."
-Bible Dictionary

I invited everyone to think about Elder Bednar's experience and to think about what would happen to them if a family member, loved one, friend, bishop, or an apostle walked away from this church.. Would you walk away too? Or stay right where you are because your faith is set firmly in Christ? Would you question? Would you doubt? Would you get down on your knees just one more time like I did to ask Heavenly Father to help you know the truth of all things?

I testify, with all of my heart, that this church is true. I testify that Christ lives. But this is my testimony! No one else's. I hope and pray that we all have our own personal testimonies so that even in our weakest moments and when trials come upon us, we do not fall, but we are lifted thanks to Christ and our faith in Him.

My mission scripture sums up about how I feel about My Savior perfectly...
2 Ne 22:2 Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid; for the Lord Jehovah is my strength and my song; He also has become my salvation.

So basically, this reminded me that I have faith in Christ! I do. I have never lost that. But... what I have lost is the ability to rely on My Savior like I once did. Someone reminded me of that today. The words were, "Why try to fix our problems temporally, when we can fix them spiritually?" Christ is there, He always is. Even when I forget to lean on him 100%.

Thanks everyone. Happy Sunday. :)

Love,  Madi Louise 

I thank you, mom.

I write this cautiously, fully knowing that I have friends and family who have and who are still struggling with what I'm about to write about. I write this knowing, that from time to time, most girls, myself included, have or are struggling with what is on my mind. I just ask one thing, that if you start reading, you finish. So that you can understand all the points and aspects that I'm about to cover.

I thank you mom, for saving me from an eating disorder. Growing up in the dance world made me very aware and conscious of bodies and being thin from a very young age. All the "good" dancers were thin and petite. So I myself wanted to be thin and petite too. Regardless of the fact that I grew up in a dance world, I grew up in THIS world, where media tells us that we need to be thin.

These two things started to take a toll on my mind and on myself. I was always told by friends and family that I was "tiny", "scrawny", and "skinny".. but by the time junior high hit, it didn't matter what they all said. I was starting to feed into the negative body game. I started comparing myself to the other girls at dance in the mirror. I started getting worried about my weight because I was growing and I was terrified to hit 100 pounds. I was terrified to be anything bigger than a size 24 or a 00. I started noticing the pictures and the magazines. I started noticing other girls at school who didn't eat lunch and how that seemed to be "the cool thing" to do.

I remember asking myself, "Are they just not hungry? How am I starving all the time and they don't seem to be hungry for lunch? Am I going to get fat because I'm hungry and want to eat lunch? What is wrong with me?" Girls started talking about weight openly and it was like gloat rights if someone weighed basically nothing. I wasn't sure if they were lying about their weight or not, but I remember thinking to myself, "How do all these girls that are my same age, weigh 30 pounds less than I do? What is wrong with me?"

As I was getting sucked into the game, my mom pulled me into her office one day and bluntly asked me, "Are you eating lunch?" Embarrassed that I hadn't been, I lied and said yes. I knew that she didn't believe me when the next thing she told me was, "It is healthy to eat. You need to eat all of your meals and you need to eat when you are hungry. You need to listen to your body."

I still haven't even told my mom this, but that moment, was a turning point for me. I backed out of the game before it was too late and I took my mother's advice. I listened to my body! I learned to love my body. I learned about intuitive eating and how to take care of myself. I learned how to tell what I wanted to eat and when I was truly hungry. I learned how to fight negative thoughts and not give into peer pressure. I learned that weight is just a number and that if you eat healthy, exercise, and take care of your body, everything will be okay.

Now I can't say that this means that this whole body image thing has always been easy for me. Because it hasn't. But I can say that every time I've had a bad thought or had a hard time, I always remember to listen to my body. I've constantly gone back to that life changing moment for me and continued to almost literally force myself to keep a healthy mindset.

If you have someone close to you, that you love, that is struggling with anything of the likes, please know that it is not your fault. It is a hard thing to deal with and overcome and I can't even imagine being in that place. I want to stress that it is not a mother's fault if her daughter ends up with an eating disorder. It is the worlds fault.

I highly suggest that if you have a daughter that is starting puberty, you talk openly about eating and her body with her and try to help her learn to love herself at a young age. From what I've seen, even doing this can not guarantee that your daughter does not suffer, but it can never do any harm to try. We all have our trials and I know that we all can over come anything that is thrown at us.

I also suggest reading: Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. The new edition has a chapter about how to raise your children as intuitive eaters. It's amazing! (This book helped my mom overcome her life long struggle with eating.)

I hope and pray that all girls, young and old, can see themselves as the beautiful Daughters of God that they are. No matter the shape or the size. I hope that we all can love ourselves and appreciate our bodies and the amazing things that they do. I hope that we don't have to get caught up in the negative ways of the world and that we can be okay with who we truly are and what we truly look like. I hope that girls who are struggling with an eating disorder, don't feel bad and embarrassed about it, but seek help instead. It is possible to overcome. 

I hope that we can all be advocates for a healthy and happy body and that we can lift each other up. 

I posted a picture a while ago that said, "Thanks mom for teaching me the basics like how to cook, clean, and love myself." And this is why.

Happy Wednesday.

-Madi Louise

From a Child's Perspective.

Alright, well... here is a long time coming.

I probably will blow up on my thoughts/emotions. 

I read this: "My biggest fear is marriage. I don't want my marriage to end up like my parents track record."

This... That statement, is normal. That is completely okay and completely valid. This is dealing with divorce. As a child, going through and dealing with divorce since I was 9 years old, I have learned a lot about myself and about others. I promise you I still do not understand a thing about it. Nothing. I do not know everything. I don't know anything actually. I don't have a cure to divorce, to pain, to heartache, to fear, to emptiness, to loneliness.. All I know is that it takes time. For myself, it has taken me a long time to let love in. To let anyone near me. To want to date and to be near a boy. This meant opening up and letting a part of me be seen, to be hurt. This meant that I could end up sad again. That the thoughts of the past could come back and hurt even more. This meant that the one thing every little girl dreams of having one day, was now my biggest nightmare. Something I never wanted.

It started out as a numb feeling. As a what is going on? This can't be real? I have to do what with my holidays? I have to share all my time between the two people I love the most? I have to sacrifice hobbies and friends because I just want to see my dad and spend time with him twice a week? I have to act okay and happy in front of everyone that asks me questions?

I remember walking out of that living room knowing, but not fully understanding, that my life will now never be the same. That I would never sit in that room again with all of my family. That my base as a whole was now gone. 9 years old.

Friends claiming I was making it up to even get attention. Teachers going out of their way to accommodate you and make you feel loved. People all of the sudden care. Save it, please. I can't feel right now, just treat me normal. I felt split in two. A different person. Torn in half. Grasping for something to hold on to and something to help me feel semi normal again. 

As time goes on you start to come to face the facts that your parents are dating other people. That your family will never be the same. That dad will never be in the household again. That I couldn't run upstairs to him if I needed him at night. That I had to call him on the phone for questions about homework. I remember cringing and wanting to scream every time I saw my mom or dad with someone else.. touching them, spending time with them, looking at them, taking them away from me and my siblings.. I remember holding it in to the point where I would just cry myself to sleep at night. I am strong. I am brave. I am not sad. I am happy. I am 9-11 years old. 

Eventually you start meeting extended family, you start getting attached, you start feeling happiness when you are with them. You learn, grow, and create memories. You start seeing that maybe this isn't so bad after all. You find yourself being okay with the present and looking forward to the future with these new families. You let someone into your life because you can and are able to care for someone else other than your real parents and siblings. Re-marriage. 12 years old. Divorce. 14 years old.

The hardest part for me personally was that I felt betrayed. I felt vulnerable. I felt weak. I felt that I let someone into my life that I didn't initially want there, learned to love them, and then they were gone. Not only was just one person gone but the whole family pertaining to that one person was gone. I felt that I shouldn't have this sadness because I am a happy person who loves life. I have no right to be sad because look at what I am blessed with. SO MUCH. 15 years old.

Here is where I started to learn a lot about myself. 

I was terrified of any boy that got close to me. Be my friend? Great. All I had was guy friends! More than friends? Uh... close off all connections. Bye.

As I started to let myself feel what I was feeling and to be okay with those feelings, I started to see myself heal. I started to open up my heart to others. To realize that I know how to fix something that is going wrong in my life. I know how to get up and out of bed in the morning and to walk forward with faith, even when I don't want to. With out knowing it, I was strong. I was faithful and I was able to be happy because of what I focused on. I watched all these wonderful people around me going through struggles just like me. I watched wonderful people go through more severe trials than me. I wanted to be like them. I wanted to be an example like they were an example to me. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to find happiness and to smile.

One of my best friends taught me how to trust a boy again. How to be friends and how to open up even when it was hard. How to trust a relationship and be okay with dating. He was my friend first, my best friend at that. Our friendship even ended and this was my first time learning that that is completely okay.

It's okay for things to end.

End.

Such a scary word. Closure. Risk. Loss. Heartache. Someone you love and care about, Gone.

August 2011. Ending. 17 years old. Senior Year.

February 2013. Ending. 18 years old. First Year of College.

All feelings of past loss and heartache brought completely back. Blown up in your face. Not easier, but harder this time. Numb. Distant.

No one in my family ever imagined that this would happen...
not once.
not twice.
not a third time.
or a fourth.
not ever.

I think it is safe to say that no one really knows about the trials and opposition they will face in this life. They just know that they will come. No one really knows how anyone else feels or what anyone else is facing. I honestly believe that we don't even know to a full extent how we feel at times. Sometimes we numb the pain to help us deal. We push it back to forget that its happening.

I know for a fact that I have NO clue what my mom is going through. Or what my dad has been going through. Even what Kate and Jake have been through and are still going through. I have an "idea" because they are my siblings and us three technically "have been through the exact same things." But we haven't. All three of us are Different. We all deal with things and cope with things in a different way. We all have small personal things to overcome in the midst of these trials that affect how we deal with divorce and those around us. That affect us each differently. We all have different feelings and are attached to different things and people. Somethings mean more to me than to them and vice versa. We all struggle at times. Sometimes one of us is feeling better or stronger than the other. I believe those are the times we look up to each other and lift each other up the most. We do it in more of a silent way. We deal with the bulk of emotions that we are feeling on our own time. But with out knowing it, I believe we all help each other cope and deal with the similar, on going emotions that we have been feeling for the past 10 years.

The anger and frustration I hold inside of me has haunted me for far too long. Although it gets better with time, it is still something I work on everyday. Sometimes I lash out at people because I have no other way to express how I feel. I find myself secretly holding things in and then they come out at the worst times. I know that fights could of been avoided if I would of just let myself realize I was hurting. And let myself deal with my emotions. If I just could of put down that brave face that I felt I had to put on for so long. For my siblings, cause I was the oldest and for others, so they wouldn't worry.

I DO NOT write this to exclaim that I have a hard life and to complain. I write this to hopefully help another child that could be dealing with divorce or anything of the likes. I write this to possibly put in a perspective of a child's point of view.

I write this to say that we all know that life is hard. That trials are real.

I write this to help myself and maybe others understand that comments like, "What's wrong with your family?" "She's been divorced three times... whats wrong with her?" "Can your parents just not figure it out?" "Are they just not good people?" "Is there any explanation?" "Wow. Your family is messed up." "Aren't you terrified of marriage?" "What if one day your marriage ends up like that?" etc... Wether these are said as a joke or straight forward and serious.. there is still a sting in those words.

I write this to express my feelings of worry and sadness for people. I write to say I'm sorry for the things that we are all dealing with that no one else quite understands. And the judgements that we as people place on others constantly. I struggle with seeing everything and everyone in a positive light. I feel bad and apologize for those hurtful comments that I do not even realize I am making. Making about myself and my family and about others in general.

I believe that we don't mean to be judgmental and hurtful. That we don't realize what we are saying and what kind of an impact we are making on someone else and on ourselves. The quotes, "Don't judge a book by its cover." and "Don't judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes." time and time again ring true.

But most of all I write this to the girl who made the above comment that started me writing. ("My biggest fear is marriage. I don't want my marriage to end up like my parents track record.") That ripped me apart and tugged at my heart. That made my eyes water and think, "No. Please don't feel this way. I don't want you to be where I was." These are my biggest fears wrapped into one. The fear of marriage and my siblings feeling this same way.

I write this to my sister.

I write this to a beautiful girl who deserves to marry someone wonderful. Who loves her and treats her like a queen. Who deserves to experience marriage and love even if it ends up how we least expected. Who deserves to experience life and grow as a person, looking back with no regrets, even when it ends up how we least expected. I write this to a girl who has hopes and dreams that any girl has. That has fears of the unknown and who refuses to be broken and to give up. I write this to a girl who has such a bright future and who has every right to look forward with positive hope and happiness.

I write this to you Kate because even though it can be scary at times.. and things hurt at times.. and you feel alone at times.. there is always someone there.

I hope that with time, we can all come to realize even just a fraction of our potential and what we have to offer in this life. I hope that with time, marriage becomes a strength, not a weakness. A happy thought, not a fear. Something to run to, not to run from.

My initial reply to Kate's comment: "Don't be afraid of love. I was this way at exactly 16 too. You write your destiny. Learn from their mistakes. Learn from yours."

Call them mistakes, if you will. Lack of better judgement. Something that happened that "wasn't" supposed to happen. That wasn't necessarily wanted. Lets call if life, learning as you go, making the best of what you have.

With out much detail, stories, and information of the past. All in all, I hope that Kate and I, together, can conquer are fears. Can see these fears and turn them into something great. I hope that children dealing with these same things can see that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. There is always someone to turn to and something positive to focus on.

I do not believe that people get married, to get divorced.

I don't believe that people have kids to split apart after.

I don't believe that people intentionally make mistakes.
I don't believe that people want to hurt others.

I do believe that people learn from their mistakes and try to better themselves in all aspects of their lives.
I do believe that people can change.
I do believe that we learn as we go.

I do believe that marriage and families are the most sacred and beautiful part of life. I believe that family brings pure joy. I believe that your families are sent to you for a reason. I believe like my mom once put it, "That we couldn't make it with out each other."

My family is noticeably imperfect from the outside. But on the inside, my family is perfect for me. It doesn't always feel like it at times, but I wouldn't change them, or anything I have gone through, for anything. I have learned so much, met so many people, had incredible experiences and it would only be nice if the pain could just be swished away.

I could go on and on about my feelings on this topic that stems in so many different directions. But all in all..

These experiences lead us and turn us into the person we are becoming. When the option of marriage comes along we can decide for ourselves what we want to do. There can be a risk, a chance of heartache and failure. But with out that risk, there is no risk of meeting your eternal companion. No risk of falling in love and being with someone who works great with you. Someone that you could grow old with and be with for the rest of your life.

For me, I clung to the gospel and prayed to feel peace and comfort. I had always heard people say that Heavenly Father answers our prayers and that Jesus Christ knows what we are going through.

Through these experiences. I learned for myself (and keep learning) that Jesus Christ died for our sins. That he paid the price for me to repent and to feel happiness. To feel peace and love and to have hope. I know that Christ lives. That he loves us and that he is the only person who knows what it feels like to go through our trials. He has been through what we are going through and he cares. I know that Heavenly Father listens to us when we turn to him in prayer. And I know that this is the only way I feel peace.

Other people cling to different things. But whatever you are clinging to, to hold you afloat.. Keep holding.

"Everybody wants happiness, nobody wants pain. But you can't have a rainbow, without a little rain."

Happy Tuesday.

Love, Madeliene Louise.

I Believe.

Everything is out of date on my blog since I haven't posted in over a year. I don't have time to update it or make it cute. But I feel the need to write and post some thoughts. So bare with me here.

"Heavenly Father is in my heart and here next to me everyday." 

These sweet words were spoken from a young girl in fast and testimony meeting today. One after another, 12 or so children stood up and bore their testimonies. What a beautiful site and feeling that was in that sacrament meeting. As I sat and watched, I remembered going through that process myself. I remember having my mom go up with me and whisper in my ear what to say. I remember getting brave enough to go up with out her. I remember saying that my family loves me, Heavenly Father loves me, and that this church is true. I remember living off of others testimonies until I knew I had one for myself. I remember the feeling I felt when I knew for a fact that this church was true.

Today I was reminded of how sweet children are and why we are taught to have faith as a little child. Today those children were my examples. They were the ones I looked up to. The ones I wanted to be like! They are on the right paths to finding and strengthening their own testimonies and it was beyond inspiring. They trust and believe with so much strength and hope. They look up to their parents and want to be like them. They listen and learn from those around them. They take life how it is. They are care free and naive. They play and discover new things every day. I hope to look at life as they do. To look at every day as they do. To look at new situations as an opportunity to grow. 

I realized how key it is for us all to go through these little stages. To pass through different points in our life. To build our testimonies of Christ and to never let go of that. To hold on to it for more than it is worth and most of all to believe it. 

I for one, have a testimony of this gospel. I, like the little children, know that I am blessed with a loving family, Heavenly Father, and to be apart of this true church. I know that Christ is the only one who understands everything that we as people go through on a daily basis. I know that he knows the pain we feel. Not only does he know the pain, but he knows the happiness and the complete peace that we feel. He was sent here for us to rely on. He died so that we could live again and that we could be resurrected with our families. He will stand by us through anything and everything all we need to do is pray and call upon him with faith. With the same Faith as a little child. I know that true happiness comes from believing in ourselves and using the gifts that Heavenly Father has given us. I know that if we are confident in front of Christ that we ARE confident in who we are as an individual and in front of everyone. 

I believe in the atonement. I believe in the priesthood and the power it has to comfort and heal. I believe in the temples and in doing work for the dead. I believe in the Holy Ghost and being lead by the spirit. I believe that with time everything works out. I believe that families can be together forever. I believe that if we do our best that God will make up the rest. I believe that we are watched over and protected. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that life isn't fair, easy, or nice. I believe that this is why we learn and grow so much. I believe that trials have a purpose. I believe in missionary work and the truthfulness of this gospel. I believe in service and giving to others. I believe in prayer. I believe in getting back up once you fall down. I believe in being happy. I believe that family is everything. I believe in always looking up. I believe in learning from every situation, person, and circumstance. I believe in believing and having faith. I believe in hope. I believe. 

That little girl touched my heart today when she spoke of Heavenly Father being next to her and in her heart. How sweet that is that she knows at such a young age that her Heavenly Father loves her and will always be with her every single day. Thank you for blessing my life little girl and for reminding me in a unique way.. that I too believe in Him. 

-Madeliene Louise

Standing Still.

I sit as if I am in slow motion.

As if I have no motivation in the world.

As if the whole universe is busily moving around me and it doesn't affect me.

I'm thinking so much that it honestly feels like my mind is blank.

I'm holding so much in that I don't feel anything at all.

I'm blurring my vision.

I'm slowly not hearing things.

I'm gradually doing less and less.

But I have done a lot today.. Yes?

Who knows.

I've lost track. 

My days blur together.

I feel like everything happens at the same time.

I feel like I never sleep.

That I'd rather get on the computer than face reality.

I find myself thinking I've already done something.. but then realizing that I haven't, and that its  not supposed to be done for another few days.

I feel lost and distant.

Confused. 

Still.

Mislead.

Unhappy.

Purposeless.

I get like this sometimes. I let the negative get the best of me.

I really don't feel like this.

I constantly feel gratitude for my family and friends.

I am grateful that I have the opportunity to go to school, to dance, and play piano.

I am positive.

I am upright and always moving.

Striving to do something better today than I did yesterday.

Hoping to put others in front of myself.

Wishing to have time to serve those in need.

Wanting to succeed in at least one thing that I do.

Thinking about the future.. I don't even care anymore.

Whatever happens is supposed to happen.

Let it be.

Come what may cause surely it will come anyways.

Have hope and know who you are.

Cause life is hard.

Life isn't easy. 

But will giving up make it any easier? 

NO. probably not.

It will probably just push me back into a place that I don't want to be.

Get me away from this feeling of hopelessness.

I will not drag myself down or hold myself back any longer.

I will not critique myself because I don't have the right.

Lets face it.. No one really knows exactly who they are.

and you shouldn't judge unless you truly know someone.

We don't have the right to tear ourselves down.

We didn't make us.

He did.

Just like a mother hurts when her baby gets teased at school.

He feels what we feel.

He knows who we are.

He knows when we cry.

When we hurt.

When we are down on our knees and just can't take it anymore.

He knows us.

He knows our strengths and weaknesses more than we do.

He knows that we will be built up as we go throughout life.

He knows that we have endless potential.

He knows what we will be.

He has faith that we can make it.

New goal... Have faith in myself. Have faith that I can make it.

Not just that I can make it, but that he can and will help me make it.

Example of the Believers.

Do you realize that people are watching you?

Do you realize that someone is either thinking...

"Wow, I want to be just like them." 

or "Oh, I totally learned from there mistakes."

There not judging you. But just watching.

Seeing what you do and how you act.

Seeing if you'll represent and stand up for what you believe in.

People are always trying to figure out who they really are.

They also do this to others.

I love to watch people.

I love to watch people serve.

I love seeing people happy and smiling.

I love it when I'm driving and seeing a young mother playing with her baby boy in the autumn leaves.

I love to see someone help someone in need.

I love it when people go out of there way for others.

This world is such a wonderful place. 

We have so many responsibilities and opportunities.

We have so much that we can do and accomplish.

Thats why we are here.

We are here to give.

To grow.

To learn.

To be happy.

I've been thinking about this quote constantly lately.

Responsibility of Latter-Day Saints

"We have laid upon us as a people a greater charge, a greater responsibility than any other people have ever had in the history of the world. We are responsible for the blessings of the gospel of Jesus Christ to all who have lived upon the earth, to all who now live upon the earth, and to all who will yet live upon the earth. No other people have had so great a responsibility as that. God bless the faithful Latter-day Saints who carry in their hearts the love and respect of the great doctrine of the eternity of the family, and the tremendous doctrine of vicarious work for the dead." -Gordon B. Hinckley

Simple stated. We have a responsibility to show who we stand for.

To let others know that we know Christ.

That we know who we are and that we are proud of who we are.

We have so much to give.

So much work to do.

We are children of a Heavenly Father.

SHOW IT.

love it.

and most importantly, LIVE it.

"Let others know him, because they know you."

Have that light in your eyes.

That burning testimony in your hearts.

That sweet feeling of the spirit surrounding you at all times.

To those of you that do.

Thank you.

You bring happiness to my life constantly.

I hope you realize that no matter who you are.

No matter what you do.

No matter what your circumstances are.

No matter how many mistakes you have made.

You are always loved.

Everyone makes mistakes.

Your supposed to.

Opposition in all things right?

Keep on going. 

Life is hard, but thats the only way to find happiness.

Love, Madeliene Louise

striving to live my life like this..