Why?

Why do I feel in adequate?

Why I am afraid to try?

Why do I back down?

Why don't I have confidence?

Why am I afraid to express myself?

Why am I afraid to face reality?

Why am I nervous to see you?

Why do I forgive you but don't at the same time?

Why am I holding back?

Why can't I show who I really am on the stage but I can in the halls?

Why do I sit here and wonder why?

Who do I have no solutions?





Someone fix me. 

Fear. Realization.. that you can do anything?

So life is going. .

I'm on my way and headed into my senior year of highschool.

Still not sure I should even call myself a senior.. I just feel so little! 

But anyways, the good thing about school starting.. 

is that when school starts, dance starts.

I've missed dance. my company. my director. the peace it brings me.

In dance we were talking about goals, future, and not being afraid.

As I was listening to the other girls... it hit me, that sometimes I don't do things because I am afraid.

because for some reason I am scared.

because there is something holding me back.

Whatever that reason is. It's good enough to stop me from accomplishing something significant.

I quit piano because i was scared. 

Scared of performing, scared of playing in church. 

I was scared that someone would think I wasn't good enough. 

I was scared to mess up.

Today, I am scared to dance in front of some people.

Especially.. sometimes in front of the girls I dance with.

Scared that I won't be good enough for them. 

That if I make a wrong move, or if i'm not on count that I will look dumb.

I have been trying to get over this fear for years.

I have been trying to build confidence in dance for years.

This year, my senior year, I realized what was holding me back from feeling completely confident.

I realized why it was so difficult for me to go out and show what I love to do in front of people who do what I do.

 

Fear..

Fear is necessary to the point that if we didn't have fear. 

If we weren't scared or nervous at one point or another.

Then everything would be easy.

and if things were easy, we wouldn't feel so good once we accomplish something.

Once we conquer that fear.

Once we get up in front of a lot of people and give a talk in church.

Once we stand up and dance in front of someone who is amazing at dancing.

Once we tell someone No because you don't want to be treated in such a way.

Once you be completely true to who you are even when it may not be the cool thing to do.

Once we do anything of significance.. we feel good. 

Accomplished.

Like you could do anything.

Like you could accomplish something else that is scary to you.

Something that frightens you.

Don't let fear scare you to the point that you quit what you love.

Don't let fear scare you to the point that your not living your life how you want to.

That your not living life to the fullest.

All in all..

I learned that I shouldn't be scared of doing something that I want to do.

I learned that life is hard and scary and things are intimidating.

But I have gotten through things that scare me before.

So why can't I do it again?

Why can't I go out and dance because I want to?

Dance because I know that if I mess up, its okay?

Because if I do mess up.. I can get back up and try again.

I can always work on anything about myself and try and make it better.

I can always become a better person because I want to.

because I have the drive to.

and I believe that we all have the drive to.

I believe that as people, we are a good people.

I believe that life is supposed to bring happiness.

I believe that challenging things just help you grow as a person.

I believe that anything is possible.

and I believe that truly, if you want it, you can have it.

Love, Madeliene.

-working on confidence. and hoping to triumph over some of my fears.

Ballet West!

ADC had the opportunity to go and watch Ballet West's dress rehearsal for their new show!

 It was a really cool experience! We got to talk with the choreographer and hear the corrections the the performers get. They are all so beautiful!

 I loved it. Here are some pictures.. I love my dance company more than anything!

I'll give some explanation to the photos below.

Ballet girls! That i'm sadly not apart of now :(

Tyne walked us across the street with orange flag in hand screaming "Save the Children"
She surely protected us. Way to go Tyne. She has these moments all the time.
Don't worry.

Such a Tyne picture. hahaha love her.

some of ADC

Kemarie, Me, Becca. 

Kayli, Michelle, Me.

Typical Michelle. we needed to be sassy.

Kayli! I just adore her. She cries while she dances, I cry while I dance.
We are crying buddies. It is awesome!

My "illegal" photo. We also shoved food in our mouths when the coast was clear.

So... I am obsessed with little hands. Literally.

I even posed them. Michelle was dying of laughter!

There perfect right?!
 Yup, best hands ever.
 I always tell her that her husband better hold her hands all the time!

and this would be me... hahaha. not sure.

We were there from about 4 to 11.
Exhausted the next day. But totally worth it!

Empty Mirror.

Also known as: Boston.

This song has defined my life a few times over the years. 

It honestly has probably defined everyone's life at least once.

I think as humans we all have those moments where we feel as if no one knows us.

No one cares.

No one knows what it feels like to be hurt. to have a trial.

That this is just happening to me. 

You know how it feels to look at yourself in the mirror and not know who you are.

To stare back at that person and ask who is that?

Where have I gone?

Who took me? Why am I lost and broken? 

Where are the bright eyes and happy smiles that usually reflect back at me?

Everyone has moments of hardships of loosing "themselves" or searching to find who they truly "are".

Like in this song we usually want to run, to start over, to get out and to overcome whatever it is.

Throughout life this happens time and time again. Wether it be with just yourself, your friends, or your family. 

I have learned that during these times... the one person that I can always turn to is my Heavenly Father. It took me so long to turn to him first. To open up my heart and to cry to him.. 

I always knew I could pray and I always did pray.

I just didn't pray to him immediately when I needed help.

I wanted to do it on my own or at least try and fix myself.

I would sit and think.. who can I call? I would go through a list of friends and decide no. Then I would go through my family and decide no. and then all in all I finally got down on my knees and I prayed. I talked with my Heavenly Father. I told him what was wrong and how I felt, because he KNOWS how I feel. He truly knows. He listened to me and he comforted me. Just like everyone told me he would.

He was there, when I needed him most. When no one else was.

He pulled through. 

I have learned that time and time again he will do that.

Even on my weakest days, he still loves me. 

Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

I am so grateful for the church that I have been raised in. 

I do not know where I would be. 

When I have those days where I feel like I am not myself. When I look in the mirror and see someone else staring back at me.. I remember who to turn to. 

I remember what to do. 

Life is hard, its supposed to be. After all the whole thing is a test right? 

Being a teenager and growing up has taught me that and along with that it has taught me that we have blessings on this earth to make it easier because God sees the bigger picture and he knew what we would need. He still knows what we need. 

I truly believe that and I know that with all my heart.

Little experience that bless my life every day just keep proving to me that this is the true church. 

I'm so grateful for it. 

-Madi Louise :)

Dance.

Can i just tell you this? Cause I need to tell someone.

Honestly, I love to dance.

Can I say it again?

I LOVE TO DANCE!

I have never felt this before.. I have always liked dancing. and I have said that I love to dance before. But not like this. 

Every time I go to dance, I feel like I just learn so much more. 

So much more about myself, about the girls I dance with, about my director, about lives, about movement, about happiness,

 and sometimes even heartache. 

but most of all, about everyone's story.

Everyone has their one story to share and to tell, if they want to. Sometimes it is hard to tell that story. It can be scary and intimidating. It can be something you just don't like to do.

I used to be that way. I used to bottle things up inside of me for so long that I would eventually just have to explode. I always thought pushing things away would make it easier. I always thought just not worrying about it right now would somehow make it disappear. 

But if there is something I have learned from dance, or just in general, life. 

That, that is not the case.

 The only way to get through something is to let your feelings and emotions out. 

To let them be seen, even if it is only by you. 

Even if it is just to feel some peace again back in your life.

 Once you realize them and acknowledge them, it makes it that much easier to get over. 

Instead of putting them on the back burner waiting for something to come up again and again and then it's too late. 

I find myself so much happier now. 

So much happier that I know how to deal with things that come my way. 

At least, I know the steps of how to deal.

 So much happier knowing that I am not the only one. 

That others hurt more than I do. 

That everyone has their own life and own story to worry about. 

First, writing helped me get out my stress. 

I had never really been into writing. 

but I had always been into dance.

Ever since I was three years old, I had been dancing. 

This is going on my 14th year of dancing, and it took me 14 years to realize that dancing is healing.

 That dancing is expressing with out talking. 

That dancing is feeling and moving.

 That dancing is releasing and sharing yourself with you, 

with the audience,

 and with the ones you dance with. 

Dancing is not just getting on the stage and showing what you can do.

It is so much more than that.

Behind the technique we work on daily.

Behind striving to turn countless times in a row.

Behind striving to leap and over rotate through our splits till our hips ache.

Behind abs and pushups that make you sick.

Behind making yourself work so hard to try and get better.

There is feeling.

Emotion.

Realization of who you are.

There is so much more than I used to ever think there was.

 It is sad that it took me this long to figure it out. 

I have been told to my face that "you don't like dancing" and i believed her at that point. 

I really didn't.

 I was to caught up in trying to do this and trying to be like that that I totally forgot who I was. 

I was striving to be someone I wasn't.

 Something I wasn't. 

I know I need to improve in everything, but you don't improve by hurting yourself cause you can't do something as well as someone else. 

You improve by aspiring to get help and learning to do your best and feel your best.

 To have confidence in who you are. 

To live through the moment and breathe. 

To help yourself find peace and happiness. 

To hold your head high and tell them, This is why I dance.

I dance because I can.. I dance for that girl who wasn't able to.

I dance because I have the opportunity to use my body for good. 

To express myself and others through my movement. 

To express real things that really do happen. 

To express things that happen to people all around the world. 

I dance because I want to feel loved.. I want to dance and share my love.

I dance because my company dances. 

Together We Dance. 

We dance and share these moments together.

 Lifting each other. 

Loving each other.

 Caring for each other. 

Putting our whole story and our whole soul on that floor. 

Laying it down and walking away from every practice, lesson, rehearsal, performance with no regrets. 

Knowing we were prepared. 

Knowing we put it all down and held nothing back. 

We were us.

We were who we truly are. 

and who we truly want to be.

 We were our examples, our leaders, our team members. 

We dance because we want to.

 I never understood how much of an impact dancing can have on not only me, but the girls around me.

I thank you for the opportunity to dance.

To dance with you.

To be with you.

To work at building and strengthening myself with you.

I love you. 

I never thought I would say this, but for dance... I am truly grateful.

Thank you.

Why do I dance? Why do I breathe?

-Madeliene Louise Knudsen

Content in the fact that I finally realized something about my life that I have always had.