Contemplating.

I sit here contemplating with myself about doing things that I am supposed to do.
I sit and weigh out the good and the bad options.
I sit here and think of what I should do.
But I don't do it.
I don't know why... But I have lost all motivation.
I feel like my mind doesn't stop thinking.
I feel empty and lost.
I feel broken and sad.
But... I'm happy.
I feel confused.
I feel like I fail at everything I try to do.
But thats not the problem.
I'm not even trying anymore.
Why don't I care?
Why can't my thoughts just slow down for one second?
Why am I constantly replaying everything in my head and thinking of what is going to come next?
Why can't I get a break?
Why can't I be the kind of person I want to be.
Why am I complaining?
I have no room to complain.
I hurt.
I don't show it. or I try not to.
But I guess I really do.

Why?

Why do I feel in adequate?

Why I am afraid to try?

Why do I back down?

Why don't I have confidence?

Why am I afraid to express myself?

Why am I afraid to face reality?

Why am I nervous to see you?

Why do I forgive you but don't at the same time?

Why am I holding back?

Why can't I show who I really am on the stage but I can in the halls?

Why do I sit here and wonder why?

Who do I have no solutions?





Someone fix me. 

Others. I'll Change. I'm Sorry.

I really don't think people understand how much others play a part in their life.

For the good, or the bad.

Everyone is always advised don't listen to what other people say, or who cares what they think. Yes, who cares what anyone thinks. 

We should all be ourselves and do things just because we want to.

But everyone has a part of them that wants compliments and recognition.

As humans, we want to please others. 

We want our parents to be proud of us.

We want our friends to like us.

We want to be liked.

Honestly, who wants to be disliked? 

Who wants to be gossiped about?

No one in particular..

Those suttle comments or things we hear from others can hurt us. 

They can tear us down. 

Sometimes people say things because they think it will be for our own good.

I agree, to a point.

I believe in constructive criticism.

I think people sometimes do need to hear things that they don't want to. 

I think others have good insight on ourselves personally and our lives that we might not be able to see at the moment.

I think we need to know those things.

But constructive criticism is not tearing others down.

Constructive criticism is not intentionally hurting peoples feelings or self esteem. 

The difference between being so called "mean" and good criticism is if you actually care about them, then what you say to them will come out to their benefit. 

Not to bring them down. 

Not to over compensate how you feel about your body, talents, feelings, life.

People have such an impact on others.

They have such a way of making someone happy or making thembreak down in tears.

We have an influence on others.

On their emotions, their feelings, their self esteem and confidence.

So, why hurt them?

I also think we as people don't want to hurt people.

But then again, we do.

We all do one way or another. 

Intentionally, unintentionally.

On accident, on purpose.

We hurt the people we care about.

We hurt people we love.

We hurt people we don't know 

or don't necessarily care for. 

Why do we do this? 

Because we are human.

We are kids. 

We are teenagers.

We are adults.

and we all make mistakes. 

Wether we mean to or not. 

We all do.

The important thing is how you deal with your mistakes.

Saying sorry and truly meaning it can change everything around.

Just that one simple word, can mean something huge to someone else.

sorry is truly feeling bad and telling that person you hurt what happened, and how bad you feel. Asking them to forgive you and promising them that if will never happen again.

Change is what makes the difference in a sorry.

Change is what shows if you really learned and if you can really be trusted, forgiven, and given a second chance again.

or maybe multiple times.

Forgiving yourself is key too.

People are easy to forgive and easy to forget.

We all want the same right? 

To be forgiven and to have a second chance. 

Live.Laugh.Love.
for one day you'll make it.


Love, Madeliene

Relatable.

You know when your so busy that you forget to eat?
You know when your so busy that all you want to do is eat?
You know that time when your so stressed out you can't do anything.
Your shaking because you have so much to do, but you don't know where to start.
You cry or don't cry but probably want to cry.
You waste your life away online because its better than facing reality.
You get your work done, but your making excuses.
The to do lists, the sticky notes, they keep piling up.
You catch yourself asking what day it is cause your thinking about all the stuff you have to do tomorrow, rather than what you have to do now. It feels like today is already over cause you've already thought about it so much yesterday.
It feels like this could go on forever.
It feels like you could never sleep. or never wake up.
You make one decision and regret it.

On the other hand..
You love life.
You love the time you get to spend with family, with friends, and to be at church.
You love the opportunity to bare your testimony, to go to the temple, to write a talk, or help someone.
You love dances, dancing, and the playing the piano.
You wish you could play all day long.
You wish you could loose yourself in the melody that somehow your hands can create.
You wish you could loose yourself in the feeling that dance creates for you. That you could express what you mean, with your body, all the time.
You wish people could look at you and understand you.
But most of all, you wish you could take one look at someone else and understand them.

I aspire to be the kind of person that others are for me.
I wish to inspire, like I am inspired daily.
I wish to serve a mission.
I wish to have a beautiful family one day. I wish to prepare for all of this now.
I wish to make decisions and to live with them happily.
I wish to look back with no regrets. For everything we do and choose has a purpose correct?

As I sit here overwhelmed with everything around me.
I realize that it is time to ground myself.
To push myself.
To focus myself.
To let myself feel what I feel.
If I want to do it, I'll do it.
If I don't, I won't.
If I want to try, I will.
If I want good grades, I'll get them.
If I want to make up for the lost years of piano and dancing, for lack of my own effort, I will.
I will not let what I didn't do, stop me from doing.
I will not criticize myself, or tear myself down.
I will live my life how I want to.
and I will succeed.
because I want to.

I sound like this girl who thinks she lives a hard life.
I don't. I have challenges like everyone else does.
But I am blessed because of them. Just like everyone else is.
I sound like some one who complains.
Maybe I do complain, but this is how I feel.
I feel happy. I feel sad. I feel different emotions.
I basically am the average teenage girl who can't understand herself.
but yet again, I do understand myself.

I'm off and on.
I'm either all there or completely away.
I'm either all for it or completely against it.
I'm a yes or a no, not a sure.

I'm just me and thats all I'll ever be.

It'll always turn out alright darling.

I'm scared.

Scared that you'll move back into my life and then you'll be gone.

Scared that if I let myself feel again that it will hurt too much.

I'm nervous. 

Nervous that it may not work out.

Nervous that you'll stay here for today and then tomorrow will be back to how it was.

I'm terrified. Terrified that if I see you again. I'll want to be with you again.

That if I listen to you I may realize something I didn't know.

That if I let myself back in.. I'll be lost again.

I got myself out once. and surely, I can do it again.

But do I want to?

I'm at this point where I am done being scared. 

Whatever is going to happen will happen. 

I will get through anything that is thrown at me and maybe i'll look back and think...

oh man, I should of just stayed out. 

But heck, if I get back in. It's for a reason.

I'm done thinking. done worrying. 

My life will play out how it is supposed to.

I will go through things because I need to.

Life is full of joy.

Not worry.

So basically.. your done worrying.

-Madi...

Trials. Life. Purpose.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about life in general.
I've also been thinking about the meaning of the word purpose and what it means to have purpose.
And I've also been thinking about trials.
I have just been thinking..
Between traveling for hours and hours all around Europe.. and being in St. George..
I have had a lot of thinking time.

I realized how many things go on around us that we don't know about. that I don't know about.
I may not know that my best friend is suffering from family problems.
I may not know that my neighbors have trauma in their house.
I may not know that the boy at my school has a dad who has severe medical conditions.
I may not know that the girl I dance with hurts. Deeply hurts.
I may not know what that boy is thinking or going through.
I may not know that my sister cries herself to sleep.
I may not know that my grandpa has challenges.
I may not know that she has a eating disorder.

I may not know a lot of things. I only know what people tell me. We only know what people tell us.
and people don't usually share those kind of problems with everyone. So thats why no one really knows about them.

I guess what I am trying to get at is that.. life is hard. Life is challenging for everyone. Every single person on this earth has a trial. challenge. moment of weakness.
I don't know what they are going through or what they face on a daily basis. I don't know exactly how they feel. I don't know what hurts them. I don't know what brings them true happiness.
and I don't have any room to judge. or to think anything badly about them.

There are so many different kinds of people on this earth and its crazy to think that every single one is different and unique in their own way.


It amazes me that our Heavenly Father loves each and everyone one of us.
Everyday I am reminded of that.  
Everyday I am reminded to take life as it is. 
To enjoy it and cherish the time I have here.
To live up to my potential and to follow the examples that have been put in front of me.
Christ as the ultimate example.

I can't explain what I feel.
I don't know how to put my feelings into words.
I love this life.
I love this gospel. and I am just so happy to be in it.
So happy to have a purpose. To know that someone loves me. To know I always have someone to talk to. To know that I am being watched over. To know that when I'm happy, I'm not alone. To know that when I'm sad, I'm not alone. To know that life is going to be okay.

Life is full of hope.
Everything will turn out how its supposed to one day.
Life is good.
Life. is. Good.. :)

Love, Madi Louise :)

-in a complete loss for words.