Contemplating.

I sit here contemplating with myself about doing things that I am supposed to do.
I sit and weigh out the good and the bad options.
I sit here and think of what I should do.
But I don't do it.
I don't know why... But I have lost all motivation.
I feel like my mind doesn't stop thinking.
I feel empty and lost.
I feel broken and sad.
But... I'm happy.
I feel confused.
I feel like I fail at everything I try to do.
But thats not the problem.
I'm not even trying anymore.
Why don't I care?
Why can't my thoughts just slow down for one second?
Why am I constantly replaying everything in my head and thinking of what is going to come next?
Why can't I get a break?
Why can't I be the kind of person I want to be.
Why am I complaining?
I have no room to complain.
I hurt.
I don't show it. or I try not to.
But I guess I really do.

Why?

Why do I feel in adequate?

Why I am afraid to try?

Why do I back down?

Why don't I have confidence?

Why am I afraid to express myself?

Why am I afraid to face reality?

Why am I nervous to see you?

Why do I forgive you but don't at the same time?

Why am I holding back?

Why can't I show who I really am on the stage but I can in the halls?

Why do I sit here and wonder why?

Who do I have no solutions?





Someone fix me. 

It'll always turn out alright darling.

I'm scared.

Scared that you'll move back into my life and then you'll be gone.

Scared that if I let myself feel again that it will hurt too much.

I'm nervous. 

Nervous that it may not work out.

Nervous that you'll stay here for today and then tomorrow will be back to how it was.

I'm terrified. Terrified that if I see you again. I'll want to be with you again.

That if I listen to you I may realize something I didn't know.

That if I let myself back in.. I'll be lost again.

I got myself out once. and surely, I can do it again.

But do I want to?

I'm at this point where I am done being scared. 

Whatever is going to happen will happen. 

I will get through anything that is thrown at me and maybe i'll look back and think...

oh man, I should of just stayed out. 

But heck, if I get back in. It's for a reason.

I'm done thinking. done worrying. 

My life will play out how it is supposed to.

I will go through things because I need to.

Life is full of joy.

Not worry.

So basically.. your done worrying.

-Madi...

Can I get a break?!

Wow.
Today has been wild.
Seriously? I feel like all I have tried to do is be nice to you.
Too bad we are like stuck together for life.
That is not a bad thing at all! But today has just been one of those days.

Lets just make peace.
I'll back down. You back down.
Everything will be okay right?
Honestly, I am sorry for bickering with you.
I love you!!! Always have, and always will.
Friends? Friends.
We don't have a choie really.
Love, Your Sister.

On the other hand.. my brother and I are like this... :)